It is okay to have a president of the United States of America who does not know how to drive. But to have one that does not know how to use the internet? Now that is a disaster in the making- for the country as well as the president.

What is surprising is that John McCain was still a young 70 year-old man when Al Gore, then a colleague of his in the senate, invented the internet.

Accepted, he got scared like many when told at the early years of the internet that you must know Html codes to be functional. Being that McCain was terrible in math and graduated 894 out of 899 in his class at the U.S. Naval Academy, you can understand why he chose to give the internet a pass.

However, one would have thought that when he sent the very last telegram before the service was discontinued worldwide, he would have mustered the courage to learn how to use the internet.

As a public service and my contribution to the McCain campaign, I present to John McCain the top ten surprises that await him when he enters the world of the internet and googles himself.

1.)    His Vice president has been chosen by Dick Cheney. His name will be leaked to the press by the Chief of Staff of the Vice President as soon as it is declassified by the president.

2.)    His first wife, a former model, Carol Sheep, is writing a blog from Virginia Beach. In her blog, she talks about how John McCain left her for a rich young teacher after she had an accident that disfigured her.

3.)    His black child is begging on his Facebook page for a 50 Cent endorsed bling bling for Christmas.

4.)    He bought his Straight Talk Express bus on the recommendation of an Anger Management specialist after he punched his opponent in the face at a Town Hall meeting for asking what dealer supplies his wife, Cindy, with drugs. The unlucky man was referring to Viagra but instead he used a generic name, drugs, just to be polite.

5.)    He participated in the 1770 Olympic as a star boxer representing the Thirteen colonies.

6.)    An email has been waiting for him in his mail box. The email is from Charles Keating (III) who now resides in Nigeria. He wants to transfer a sum of $100 million which is proceeds from Lincoln Savings and Loans Association offshore account. Mr. Keatings is willing to share the money 50-50 with John McCain if only the Arizona senator sends the wife’s account number.

7.)    Ross Perot while talking about how he helped McCain’s first wife, Carol, with medical bills following her accident, wrote this on his MySpace page: “After John McCain came home, Carol walked with a limp. So John threw her over for a poster girl with big money from Arizona and the rest is history.”

8.)    40 million unemployed Americans without medical insurance have gone to www.statedepartment.gov to apply for the post of the U.S. Ambassador to Belarus which McCain offered Senator Gramm and it was declined.

9.)    Martin Luther King Jr. wrote a note on his Facebook Funwall thanking McCain for opposing the creation of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It has been there since 1983.

10.)                        Like his father and grandfather, Panama has promoted him from a captain into a full admiral. On November 6 2008, Panama will have a special election where they will name McCain the president of Panama.

By now you must have read that the Civil Rights leader, Rev. Jesse Jackson said he would want to cut off Barack Obama’s nuts for talking down on black people. Rev. Jackson considers any attempt to remind black folks to take care of their kids and family and stop depending on Jackson and Al Sharpton as talking down on black people. If that was not shocking enough, he was also reported to have used the N-word. In his angst, Jesse Jackson called black people nigggga.

Very interesting. I think the nigggga, Jesse Jackson, is losing it completely. And the reason is not far-fetched. The guy is jealous of Barack Obama. Jackson sees Obama as the big eared, skinny looking guy who was not there when the game was killed but is now sitting at the head of the table. It must be hard on our once beloved Jesse.

In the spirit of people we wish to cut off their nuts, here are my top two:

1.) Craig Ferguson: Early this week, Craig appeared on his Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson spotting tiny tiny mustache. I didn’t care for his mustache and the valuable time he spent talking about it. But what got me pissed off was that upon all the millions of names in this world, the only name he chose to call his tiny mustache was Rudy, my pet name. Craig made me hate my pet name.

Though I watch Craig instead of Conan O’Brien each weeknight, I have consistently had this one issue with Craig. He makes fun of Jay Leno who I watch at 11.35 pm before I switch to Craig. But I never heard him make fun of David Letterman, who deserves to be made fun off for his meanness to Drew Barrymore after she flashed her boobs to him. Image such affront by Letterman to all decent people world over. I have told Craig several times that this is not Scotland. He is allowed to make fun of his boss. (Yes, Letterman owns World Wide Pants that produced Late Late Show.) But Craig is still in his old country mind set.

Now that he has messed up my pet name, Rudy, I want to cut off his nuts.

2.) J. K Rowling: This British writer makes me mad each time I hear the number of books she has sold. Or whenever the ranking of the richest people in Britain comes out and she is placed above the Queen of England. It doesn’t really make sense. That woman was on welfare not long ago. And then, she met Harry Potter and her life was transformed.

What irks me most is that the woman knows nothing about witches. I lived in London for two year and I never saw witches. Not even a rat or a bat crossed path with me. Meanwhile, I come from a society where people can shake your hand and your nuts will disappear. Yes, in Lagos, Nigeria, people go out in the morning and come home without their nuts – lost from a casual handshake with a stranger. Though censorship has not permitted newspapers to publish photos of manhood without nuts, I am aware of where the nut collectors live and what they do with the nuts.(Don’t expect me to reveal it here. It is highly classified.)

I have seen people confess that they killed a rat at night and that their mother-in-law died the same minute the rat died. One actually cut off the leg of a bat and there on her bed was her mother-in-law with her leg cut off. It was only in one instance that the bat’s right leg was cut off and the mother-in-laws left leg was severed.

Please do not misunderstand me. It isn’t only mother-in-laws who are witches. Some wives are witches, too.

Anyway, I want to cut off J. K. Rowling’s nuts for stealing our stories about witches and making a fortune out of them without paying restitution.

There are more people I want to cut off their nuts but these are the two I am after now. When I get their nuts, I want to joggle them along Fleet Street and see what headline News of the World will give to the story.